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WSC readers and fanzine editors weigh up the coming season

BARNET

John Cosgrove

How will your team do this season? Bit hard, this one. Our new manager has currently signed five new players with the promise of more to come. Even so, we can’t expect too many great things from a bunch of Peterborough rejects. Realistically we’ll come mid-table (again).

Who is going to be the most important figure at the club this season? John Still, our 7th manager in 12 months! We need to bring a bit of stability to the club after the Alan Mullery debacle.

If you had to come up with a new piece of merchandise to sell at the club shop what would it be? As we have a club shop which can rightly claim the title of “Worst Shop in The League” (to go with our proud “Worst Ground in the League” award), any piece of merchandise would be nice. Getting the new kit on sale before Christmas would be a novelty.

Which player at your club most divides the home support and why? You name him! Barnet fans tend to sway towards the fickle side. Even Sean Devine (top scorer two seasons running) gets some stick.

Which element of the matchday environment would you most like to change? Topical one this. One of the editors of Two Together was recently refused service at one of our snack bars on the grounds that they were closing. It wouldn’t have been so bad but there was still over half an hour of the game left to go. Jobsworths are alive and well at Underhill.

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WSC readers and fanzine editors weight up the season to come

BIRMINGHAM

John Tandy

How will your team do next season? At best mid table; at worst it’ll end in tears.

Who will be the single most important person at your club? Probably the combination of owners and the Chief Executive. The names of the club and the stadium are up for sale, so by the time you read this I may well be watching Atletico Notcutts Garden Centre at the Bordesley Family Butchers Stadium (except if that ever happens, I won’t be). There’s money at the club, but it still has to be spent astutely.

If you had to come up with a new piece of merchandise to sell at the club shop what would it be? A Mark McGhee dartboard would sell like hot cakes.

Which player at your club most divides the home support and why? Probably, I’m afraid, Paul Furlong. There are those who say that he’s workshy, ineffective and inadequate – and there are those that really don’t like him at all.

What one thing would you most like to change about the matchday environment? I’d quite like the football to be more interesting.

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WSC readers and fanzine editors weigh up the season to come

ARSENAL

Boyd Hilton

How will your team do this season? Third (again)

Who is going to be the most important figure at the club this season? Arsène Wenger: he’s the most intelligent person ever to be associated with professional football anywhere in the world ever, so this is our chance to just sit back and enjoy whatever he comes up with…

If you had to come up with a new piece of merchandise to sell at the club shop what would it be? Life-size, fully realistic, 100% physically accurate model of Ian Wright.

Which player at your club most divides the home support and why? Ian Wright: bizarrely, a sizeable portion of the fans seems to think that we’d do better without him, that he’s too old, too selfish, or some such crackpot theory. These people are clearly insane or are from the Arsenal old school and simply can’t cope with too much pleasure.

Which element of the matchday environment would you most like to change? Installing some kind of device which sends a near-fatal electric shock through anyone who shouts “Yiddos!” and make it easier to get a half-time cup of coffee, perhaps by getting rid of the enormous bar area in the North Bank and installing 10 coffee stalls.

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Tuesday 3 Le Tournoi begins with a 1-1 draw between France and Brazil, whose goal comes from a 35-yard swerving free kick by Roberto Carlos, the sort that used to win cup finals in boys' annuals while the crowd shouted, "Lummee!" and "What's the youngster playing at?" Teddy Sheringham asks Spurs for a transfer, saying, as you do, "I am looking for a new challenge at this stage in my career." Iran break a World Cup goalscoring record, beating the Maldives 17-0 in a first round qualifier. So, Teddy, coach to the Maldives?

Wednesday 4 England beat Italy 2-0 with goals from Ian Wright and Paul Scholes (Ginger Rogers 'Em says the Sun, desperately). "It was an end of season performance by us," snarls Cesare Maldini, suddenly sounding like a man stuck at the wrong end of Division Two. "It'll be different in Rome – there'll be 80,000 screaming Italians for a start," observes Glenn. And if England lose, they could go into a playoff with, say, Croatia or Yugoslavia… we may yet see Jimmy Hill in a tartan tie next summer.

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Dear WSC
Surely the insouciant arrogance with which David Elleray slithers to cover up his mistakes cannot be unconnected with his day job? Who remembers a school teacher who ever admitted to getting something wrong?  Of course, as a servant of the privileged classes, Elleray performs his role with a polished charm, his eyes glinting like a demented pterodactyl. But beyond this saurian resemblance, I can’t be the only person to notice that the penalty he gave against Sean Dyche, for obstruction outside the area, was a carbon copy of the dreadful decision he gave against Frank Sinclair when he came shoulder to shoulder outside the box with the dying swan of the Ukrainian ballet, Andrei Kanchelskis, in the 1994 Cup Final.  It’s time this man was confined to the playing fields of Harrow.
Martin Humphrey, London SW4

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