Dear WSC
Whatever else happens this season, one thing’s for sure – a lot of clubs are going to find themselves looking for a new manager at some time during the next nine months. They all know what they want: a hard but well-loved leader of men who can turn a club used to decades of trophyless mediocrity into a giant of the game. They want a manager who, by the time he regretfully hands over the reins of power to his successor, will have won just about everything there is to win and made his name, and that of his club, synonymous with success. They want, in short, someone who can do for their club what Matt Busby did for Manchester United. But how do you find such a man? I say: don’t bother reading the application form, just check the name on top of it. Think of the great managers in English football history: Matt Busby, Bill Shankly, Bob Paisley, Don Revie, Alf Ramsey. Notice how similar their names are? The forename shortened to a monosyllable, the surname comprising two syllables, the last ending in ‘ee’. The lesson is clear – get a manager whose name follows this simple pattern. But make sure you follow the pattern exactly, or you will find yourself repeating Celtic’s traumas with Liam Brady and then Lou Macari. That extra syllable makes all the difference. So, who out of the current crop of Premiership players is destined for great things in the dugout, rather than on the pitch? The one who springs to my mind, at least, is Les Sealey. If he ever does decide to go for a career in management, I’d advise his first employers to put him on a ten-year poacherproof contract. And if I was David Batty, I’d start insisting that everyone call me ‘Dave’ right now. A pity that it’s probably too late for Peter Beardsley to start doing the same. Or are there any clubs who have been ruined by being placed in the hands of some incompetent egomaniac who happened to have a name out of the ‘Blank Blankee’ mould? I can’t think of any. Anyway, if there are, I bet plenty more have suffered irreparable damage under the ‘leadership’ of people with names like, for example, ‘Graham Ball’ or ‘Alan Taylor’.
Brian Whitby (but my friends call me ‘Bri’, honestly), Buochs, Switzerland
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